he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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