Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
