Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
