its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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