We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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