yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
