i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
