I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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