I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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