I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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