i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
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