i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
