It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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