He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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