I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Why are your pants in the freezer?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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