May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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