it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
