I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
