I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My cat gives me a boner
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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