why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
