went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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