Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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