I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
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I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
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Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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