I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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