I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
