I think im going to throw up on grandma
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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