I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
