When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
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I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
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