Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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