I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
