You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
