then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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