Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
