Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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