Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
