I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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