There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize