Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
