i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
