If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
