i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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