Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
