i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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