Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Randomize
