in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
