im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
