the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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