You just made me feel so damn special
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
