i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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