My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
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Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
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I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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