dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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