he wants to bone in the snuggie
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
