I can tuck mytits in my pants
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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