I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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