tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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