The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
