I need to stop coming to work sober
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
