And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
